If Instagram Babies Could Talk, This is Exactly What They Would Say



I don’t remember the dark days before Mommy became a ‘brand’.


I only recall a few blurry pictures: crowded trains, smelly bedsheet and Gerry the giraffe. In those days, Ah Ma fed me by day whilst Mommy fed me by boob, but she would often fall asleep when I am still sucking.


Then one day, everything changed.


I’m not sure how it happened or why, but I think it was about 80 or 90 breastfeedings ago, when everyone was shouting dong dong chiang.


We were in Ah Ma’s living room. Mommy handed me an orange ball to give to Ah Ma whilst Daddy was pointing his glowy screen at me (as usual). Little did they know that I was angry at Ah Ma for not letting me suck her nipple.


Also, long experience taught me that balls are yummy.


So instead of giving ball to Ah Ma, I seized ball for myself and put it in my mouth.


To my surprise, everyone roared with laughter. Even Ah Ma.


That night, I went to sleep still angry and constipated. Next morning, I sensed that something was amiss. Now, Mommy was staring at her own glowy screen, and did not feed me until I screamed many many times.


Whilst I was sucking on breast, I heard the words ‘Viral’, ‘Instagram’, and ‘2000 likes’.


Little did I know that my life would be turned upside down.




Soon, things changed.


Mommy was around more and more often. Normally, this would be great because more Mommy equals more breast and more playtime, but alas that did not happen.


Instead of playing peek-a-boo, Baby found himself staring at Mommy’s screen. Its single eye followed me everywhere from cot to kitchen to playground, watching me for … I had no idea because I am just a baby.


Mommy would often look at screen and say things she had never said before:


“Oh my god, 300 likes in 15 minutes.”


“Hold on ah, darling, just let me follow her back.”


“Wah, engagement quite poor today.”


Even bath time was weird. Whenever I was covered in soap, Mommy would whip out the screen and ask me to stand still and ‘Look At Mommy’s iPhone’, which is hard because bubbles really hurt when they sting your eye.


In fact, ‘Look At Mommy’s Phone’ became the new ‘Goo-goo-ga-ga’. Whether it is breast time, crawl time, or new nappy time, it’s always ‘Look At Mommy’s iPhone’. No more ‘shh-shh-shhh’ or ‘whosagoodbaby’ or even ‘blublublub’. Just ‘Look at Mommy iPhone Look at Mommy iPhone’ 24/7.


Even when I am just trying to make a poo in quiet.


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One day, I woke up and the whole world turned pink. The walls were pink, the floor was pink and even my clothes were pink. When I looked up from Mommy’s breast, I was shocked to find that Mommy’s head was nipple-pink too.


I was so shocked that I made a big poo.


Later on, I learned that Mommy had turned ‘rose-gold’ and it was part of her new ‘aesthetic’. I don’t know what aesthetic is, but it made Daddy cry. He waved his hands and made many loud noises until Mommy said something about ‘150k followers’.


Daddy grew quiet, and soon left the house.


He returned two nap-times later and introduced me to my new sister, Nikon.


From that day on, Nikon, Daddy, Mommy, and me were inseparable. We went out almost everyday. We went to the beach, the park, the Product Launch and even to the Chinatown Rooftop so Daddy could catch a ‘HypeBeast’ for us.

Sometimes, we were joined by our new friends: Dyson, Lazada, Le Creuset, Lululemon, Olay, and Glaxo Smith Kline.


Sometimes, they even came to stay at our home.


More often than not however, it was just the four of us. Daddy playing Nikon in one corner while Mommy cradled me, fed me, or lay down to put her massive pink head beside my face. It was nice to see Mommy up close but I swear that her nose was smaller and her boobs are larger than before.


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Mommy’s screen is constantly making Ping! Ping! noises now, even in the middle of the night.


Daddy, on the other hand, bought a MASSIVE screen for our home. Much bigger than Mommy’s square or his old one. After playing with Nikon, he sits in front of Screen Number Two for hours, colouring on a picture of Mommy’s face.


He no longer becomes invisible when the sun comes out, or wear colourful ropes around his neck.


Instead, he is always kissing Mommy in front of Nikon. Sometimes, Mommy would be holding me while Daddy kisses her. Other times, Mommy would be kissing me while Daddy kisses her. But most often, Daddy will kiss Mommy while Mommy closes her eyes and half-smiles at the ground.


I don’t really understand why she is pretending to take a nap.


Our house is bigger my bed smells nicer and we have many more things in the house. So all in all, life is good … except that I miss the old Mommy, even though she often disappeared to ‘work’. Old Mommy only had eyes for me. New Mommy spends too much time with my sister Nikon and her new friends like Dyson, Laneige, and even Peel Fresh.


Old Mommy only let me get close to her boob. The new Mommy lets everyone touch her boobs, even people she barely knows, like that weird-smelling Shampoo from Korea.


Last night, I even dreamt that Shampoo was sucking on Mommy’s boob and sleeping in my bed. I woke up crying and found Daddy over me, making shh-shh-shh noises like he’s peeing.


I don’t know. Maybe I should just enjoy this new life and stop complaining. Maybe I am thinking too much. I am sure that Mommy and Daddy still love me like before. Still, I can’t help but feel a little strange.


I wish Mommy would smile at me like the way she smiles at Dyson.