A Top Secret ISD Transcript Of Tan Cheng Bock & Lee Hsien Yang’s Breakfast Convo

Tan Cheng Bock: How’s your prostate?
Lee Hsien Yang: Not good, doctor say must drink more tomato juice, eat less salty food, if not it will only get worse… but I feel too old to change my lifestyle at 61
TCB: Don’t say that, there might be election next year. You are not allowed to die until the GE is over.
LHY: Why are we whispering?
TCB: Who is whispering? Nobod-
LHY: Yes you are, you just leaned forward and whispered into my ear
TCB: Okay okay, you see that guy behind me buying prata? I think he’s an ISD agent
LHY: Fuck off la, is this a joke?
TCB: No, I-
LHY: Don’t be paranoid, why would the government spy on us at breakfast?
TCB: Are you serious? You posted all that stuff about Oxley Road on Facebook, I ran against Tony Tan and you are asking why the gov-



Auntie: 来,一杯 Kopi-O Gao, 一杯 Kopi C, 总共两块半
LHY:Na. Look, he’s not an ISD officer so stop talk-
Auntie: 老板, 你给我100 块你叫我怎样找给你?? 小一点的没有???
<fumbling sounds>
LHY: Sorry eh 我没有,Cheng Bock, you have change?
TCB: I have, I have, hold on let me find
<fumbling sounds>
Auntie: Thank you ah boss (sarcastically)



LHY: Anyway, he’s not an ISD officer – Look, he’s eating his prata with sugar – what kind of special operations officer eats prata with sugar?
TCB: Chee Soon Juan eats prata with sugar –
LHY: That’s why nobody takes him seriously
TCB:  My daughter also eats prata with sugar, what on earth are you talking about Are you trying to copy your brother’s Mee Siam Mai Hum
LHY: Yeah because she’s your daughter and it’s okay for KIDS to eat prata with sugar
TCB: I’m 78. My daughter is 42
LHY: …
LHY: Okay fine, but he’s still not an ISD person.



Unidentified Citizen A: Oh my god, is that Tan Cheng Bock? Eating breakfast with Lee Hsien Loong
Unidentified Citizen B: Is it, what the fuck? where?
A: Behind you, they sitting near Indian-muslim stall
B: Fuck la, that’s Lee Hsien Yang
A: It’s PM Lee what
B: Dude, how can you not recognise our Prime Minister?
A: I thought Lee Hsien Yang runs Singtel? Why is he eating breakfast with Tan Cheng Bock?
B: Ya ya, they must be planning something. Keep quiet so I can hear what they talking about
A (whispers): They sitting near the Indian-muslim stall, maybe they looking for a minority so they can run for GRC?
B (whispers): Yes, and they are dipping the youtiao in kopi. This symbolises their willingness to  dip their toes into the political arena
A (whispers): Oh my god you are right
B:  I was being sarcastic
A: Eh don’t liddat leh



LHY: Where is Goh Chok Tong? Isn’t he supposed to join us here?
TCB: I whatsapp him already, he says that he’s on the way
LHY: Eh, can you ask him where he is. If he just woke up, I’m going to eat first because this porridge is getting cold and it’s not nice if it gets cold
TCB: We can’t start without Goh, Goh is the linchpin of our electoral strategy, people love Goh Chok T-
LHY: Yes but we can makan first
TCB: Because he reminds them of the good ol’ days of the nineties when –
LHY: You do what you want, I’m going to start eating
<mumbled whimper>
LHY: Ah shit damn hot
TCB: Eat the youtiao first, this stall has very good youtiao, wait is that an ST journalist?
LHY: Don’t be paranoid, why would there be an ST Journalist? Probably just a food blogger or something
TCB: Keep your head down, maybe she won’t notice – oh no, she’s heading straight for us
LHY: Oh crap, you’re right, how did ST know we’re here? It must be Pritam Singh. Or Chee Soon Juan, because he wants us to commit publicly with him. I swear, I am going to kill that media-whore when-
TCB: Alright, it’s too late, just shut up, eat the porridge and pretend that everything is normal. I will just tell them we are ‘catching up’ as friends.
TCB: Why is this porridge so hot?



Three Days Ago …


Sumiko Tan: Thanks for the interview, Minister Goh
Goh Chok Tong: Not a problem
Sumiko Tan: …
Sumiko Tan: So… are you doing anything nice for the weekend?
Goh Chok Tong: Nothing much, Lee Hsien Yang and Tan Cheng Bock just invited me for breakfast at…. West Coast or something
Sumiko Tan: …
Sumiko Tan: Did they say where exactly?
Goh Chok Tong: Can’t remember, but why leh?
Sumiko Tan: No reason.