Fantastic Ministers And Where To Find Them: A Wizard’s Guide To SG Politics
Politics is hard. It’s hard to make an informed choice when you don’t know anything about the people for whom you are voting. Plus, if you vote wrongly, Singapore will explode.
It is also hard because they all look exactly the same: White and crumpled.
This is why we need the Sorting Hat. Because when you don’t have a free/independent press, magic is the next best thing.
Heng Swee Keat – Slytherin
Heng Swee Keat? Slytherin? Does this guy even Harry Potter?
Yes I do, mudblood, and this Slytherin sees what you cannot. Although Heng Swee Keat may appear to be boring and technocratic and thus, Hufflepuff-ish, his calm demeanor hides a ruthless political ambition.
Remember his unfortunate stroke? His first words after waking up from his coma was ‘Is there a cabinet meeting today?’, followed shortly by a request for his ‘papers’. So don’t let the dad-glasses fool you. HSK is an ambitious Slytherin through and through.
LHL – Ravenclaw
Top student at Cambridge University’s most prestigious Trinity college, check. Dogmatic approach to governance, check. Likes mathematics, check. Computer science as a hobby, check. Harvard degree, check.
He’s probably hiding Rowena Ravenclaw’s diadem at Oxley castle.
Chan Chun Sing – Hufflepuff
Hard work, dedication and loyalty are the values of Hufflepuff and that’s why nobody likes them. People think they’re ‘special’ and when you are ‘special’, you want to be led by someone who is also special.
Unfortunately, CCS is not. This Hufflepuff Prefect tries so hard but everybody just hates him. People cringe every time he speaks and his championing of ‘hard work’ and ‘resilience’ fall on deaf ears even though he is a perfect champion for hard work and resilience.
Something about him is just too earnest and too eager-to-please so you end up pushing them away—like a clingy boyfriend/gf who quickly tires you out. It probably doesn’t help that he seems to hog the MSM limelight for no apparent reason, giving out unsolicited opinions like GST vouchers before an election.
That said, I have to admit Chan Chun Sing is a very gifted seer. His skill in Divination can be seen from the time when he correctly predicted President Halimah Yacob’s election before the race even started.
Khaw Boon Wan – Dementor
Transport fare hike. Breakdown. Signalling issue. Controversial hiring of ex-army personnel. Every time Khaw Boon Wan opens his mouth, it sucks the life out of Singaporeans everywhere.
Ong Ye Kung – Magical Object
I had this theory that Ong Ye Kung and Chan Chun Sing are actually the same person. I mean, they dress alike, think alike, and talk in that same civil service mumbo-jumbo of innovation-resilience-meritocracy that puts you to sleep more quickly than the draught of living death.
However, they do not look alike.
And then it struck me: Ong Ye Kung is actually Chan Chun Sing’s first Horcrux. There is a fragment of Chan Chun Sing’s soul trapped inside Ong Ye Kung’s body, giving him the ability to drone on endlessly without any sense of self-awareness or irony.
Josephine Teo – Boggart
Boggarts love small spaces.
Tan Chuan Jin – Squib
This is a trick question. Tan Chuan Jin doesn’t have magical powers anymore. LHL confiscated his wand and now he’s basically the PAP’s parliamentary Argus Filch. While Filch has Mrs Norris, TCJ is helped by Parley the Parliamentary Lion.
K. Shanmugam – Gryffindor
Many people think that Shanmugam is a Slytherin because he practises the dark arts of litigation. Like Lord Voldemort, he is also balding due to overuse of legilimency on Singapore’s civil society.
This is false. Slytherins are subtle and Shanmugam is anything but. If he’s not in front of a CNA camera threatening to sue someone, he is usually next to an ST reporter condemning someone else. As a Minister, he seems to be perpetually rolling his sleeves up for a fight.
This means that he is probably a Gryffindor. Gryffindors are pugnacious, short-tempered, and determined, all qualities that describe Mr. Shanmugam perfectly.
After all—whether you agree with him or not—it takes a certain nerve to be so publicly involved with controversial public affairs like Fake News or 377A, which other Ministers generally avoid like the plague.
And Just for fun:
Pritam Singh – Hufflepuff
If Low Thia Khiang is a confrontational Gryffindor, then Pritam Singh is a Hufflepuff MP. After he took over, the tone in parliament has become more amiable and less fiery.
Less ‘sue until pants drop’. More staring pensively into the middle distance as he suggests minor changes to PAP policy.
Chee Soon Juan – Phoenix
Rising from the ashes of bankruptcy time and time again, it sings a mournful lament of how the gahmen never care about people’s real pain.
Dr. Mahathir – Slytherin
Dr. Mahathir is older than the Basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets and that wily old serpent shows no sign of stopping despite his age. First, you jail Anwar, then you let him out for politically-expedient purposes. Then you condemn the punishment of LGBT ‘offenders’ but not really because ‘Malaysia does not accept LGBT culture’. The HSR was on-again, off-again, on-again depending on the mood on social media, it seems.
A minimum wage hike was promised, but it turned out to $16.60 in total because – Oops, I didn’t realise the country had so much debt.
One doesn’t become the world’s oldest Prime Minister with a few tricks or nine up one’s sleeve.
This is also a trick question. Najib is obviously a goblin.
I have zero proof for any of these claims and I cannot be trusted because I am a Slytherin.
However, I urge all politicians—PAP or otherwise—to prove me wrong by making a Pottermore account and sharing their results online. If Khaw Boon Wan or Josephine Teo can produce a corporeal Patronus, I will apologise and retract my claims.