Here’s How You Can Fake An Out-of-Office Meeting In The CBD
any office workers think that meetings are a waste of time and a distraction from their real job.
They cannot be more wrong.
Meetings are the lifeblood of every happy and productive office. How else will employees ‘bounce ideas’ or ‘make sure everyone is on the same page’? Meetings give every participant a chance to ‘voice their concerns’, while enabling management to ‘KIV’ decisions on important matters.
That’s why every employee should make it his or her duty to plan as many ‘meetings’ as possible. Preferably of the ‘closed-door’ type. In out-of-office locations.
Obviously because they are more ‘conducive for work’.
Step 1 – Recruit ‘like-minded’ colleagues
Two heads are better than one, but six heads is probably three too many. The ideal ‘out-of-office’ meeting should be large enough so you can vouch for one another’s ‘productivity’ but small enough to avoid questions like: ‘Where did the whole team go?’
Step 2 – Plan an Agenda
Your ‘meeting’ should have a proper cover st- I mean, agenda. When you’ve prepared an agenda, don’t forget to cc a few people. Just to ‘keep them in the loop’.
Step 3 – Be Prepared
Don’t forget to ‘prepare’ for your ‘meeting’ by slamming shut your laptop, asking everyone if they’ve seen your business cards, and making stacks of Powerpoint printouts. Nothing says ‘I-mean-business’ like a printing out the hard copy of a slide deck complete with tiny unreadable font.
Step 3.5 – Be Very Prepared
If you own a HDMI cable or laser pointer, use them. Test your laser pointer’s reliability by pointing it at the furthest wall. Test the HDMI cable by plugging it in and then pulling it out and plugging it in until your people start staring. Apologize profusely.
Step 4 – Find a good location pt.1
The ideal location for your meeting should be somewhere ‘more conducive’. This can be a Starbucks, a restaurant, or even a rooftop bar. Whichever location you choose, just make sure that it is secluded and discreet so that you can focus more fully on ‘the task at hand’.
Also make sure that you choose a seat with a clear view of the entrance, so you can spot incoming supervisors and erm, ‘include them’ in your ‘brainstorming session’.
Step 5 – Find a good location pt.2
Be sure to choose a place with free wifi. I cannot stress how important this is. What if you need to gauge public sentiment by browsing Facebook? What if you need to take a screenshot of Netflix’s homepage for your slide deck presentation?
You know, as an example of ‘industry disruption’.
Step 6 – Bring your A-game
Once your ‘meeting’ is safely underway, make sure you manage your time wisely. For full-on meeting experience: give curt replies to anyone impertinent enough to message you, tell your manager ‘sorry, in a meeting rn’ and flip open your notebook to rest a pen along the spine.
For more advanced employees, take out your Powerpoint printout and write ‘Potential clients’, ‘Project deadlines’ and ‘Individual KPIs’ between the margins.
Underline ‘potential clients’ twice and circle it.
Use an asterisk if you must.
Step 7 – Snacks
When you are returning to the office, message everyone with “Otw back, anyone want coffee?’ Buy some snacks for sharing so that everyone understands how ‘well’ your ‘meeting’ went.
When someone asks you what the ‘meeting’ was about, give them a cookie and repeat after me: “We had some bandwidth, so we decided to touch base on the game-plan for moving forward.”