Dear McDonald’s, Your Chicken Pie Sucks. Bring Back The Quarter Pounder

I love McDonald’s.

It is everything you can ask for in a fast food chain. The service is fast, the food is consistent, and it has the most reliable delivery system in Singapore.

On late working nights, when the unread emails stretch into infinity like lycra across a Kardashian’s arse, McDelivery appears like the Archangel Gabriel, offering succour and hope.

But intimate friendships demand brutal honesty, and I’m afraid to say: The McDonald’s Chicken Pie sucks.

To use its proper title, the McDonald’s Creamy Herb Chicken Pie is garbage because it contains no herb, no chicken, and no flavour; only cream plus lots of cream. When you bite into its apple-pie crust, you will taste nothing but a vaguely savoury goo, which oozes out with the consistency of a gonorrhoea discharge.

The copywriting promises ‘a lovely creamy burst of potatoes, mushrooms and carrots!’ but even three ‘!!!’ cannot turn lies into truth. The filling has been blended into oblivion. You will see specks of colour drowning in the white goo. You will not taste them, or even hear their muffled screams.

On the whole, it resembled a Campbell Soup someone had left out in the sun for three days. Before it was baked into a pie.

Okay, let me be honest.

The Pie is not that bad and I have no idea what Gonorrhoea tastes like. I only wrote those insults because I am still bitter about the Quarter-Pounder, a lovely burger which did not deserve the Death Sentence meted out in 2017.

And I’m not alone in this belief. The faithful are silent—but legion—and we will not rest until the Quarter-Pounder returns to its rightful place on the McDonald’s menu (and in our bellies).

The QP has no equal. The Double Cheeseburger is a burger for anorexics and The Big Mac, whilst satisfying in its own way, has bread where you’d expect to find beef.

As for the expensive ‘Angus’ burgers that have usurped the QP’s place, they are a pathetic attempt to squeeze-dry the wallets of beefoholics like myself. Burgers do not need premium ‘angus’ beef for the same reason that tuna mayo doesn’t require a trip to Tsukiji. Why bother using ‘finely marbled’ beef when you can add any quantity of extra fat during the grinding process? Or as the late Anthony Bourdain argues in Medium Raw: why use expensive kobe or wagyu for sliders when cheaper options achieve the same result?

The answer is up-selling. McDonalds wants more money for less beef. The beefy and thicc quarter-pounder was a threat to its more profitable range of premium ‘angus’ burgers and was thus ignominiously removed.

In other words, the Quarter Pounder was removed for doing its job too well.

This is outrageous, unfair, and frankly speaking, despicable. I demand justice. I demand reparations for past sins. Take your stupid chicken pie to its rightful home in the landfill and bring back the Quarter Pounder.