How To Be A Gold Digger in 2018, According To Crazy Rich Asians

tep 1. Let him borrow your Netflix account. Share your dessert even though he can afford to buy the restaurant. Feign outrage when he buys expensive ‘crap’. This will create the illusion that you don’t care about money.

Step 2. Piss off his mom. Traditional gold-digging logic suggests that you must endear yourself to the family, but this is outdated. The Crazy Rich Asian Boy is not-so-secretly emasculated by his overbearing mother, who controls every single aspect of his life from wardrobe to diet.

If the parents hate your guts and actively seek to wreck the relationship, this will give him a chance to stand up to mommy and feel like a real man.

Step 3. Emasculate him with your superior education. After making him feel like a man in front of his family, cut off his balls to assert dominance.

Step 4. Cut up a fish and throw it on your own bed. Blame his socialite friends. Blame those resentful bitches. Blame his nosy aunt and everyone in the hotel. Pout and act intimidated, this will awaken his protective instincts.

Step 5. Make friends with his childhood friends. The only people he trusts are those who knew him before they knew of his wealth, i.e. you (cough*) and his childhood friends (who didn’t understand the concept of wealth because they were just as Crazy Rich. Their approval is important for your campaign because he has no real opinions of his own.

Step 6. Acquire a fairy godmother. Gold-diggin’ is not going to work if you are still getting upstaged by his wealthier and sexier friends. Remedy this problem by making friends with that one weird person who is also rich. They will be so grateful for the friendship of a conventionally attractive person that they will lavish dresses and cars to replace those rags you got from Taobao.com.

Step 7. Showdown with family. When his mom rejects you for being a manipulative, nasty bitch, change the subject and make her look like the psychopathic empress of an oppressive patriarchy who only cares about status and money.

Step 8. Rejection. Wail, tear your gown and refuse to answer his calls. Up the stakes by threatening to leave him forever. Pretend that it’s over. For someone who is fabulously wealthy, he will have no idea what to do because he has never ever handled rejection or failure his entire life.

Unable to deal with a high stakes situation that cannot be resolved with money, he will crumble at your feet and go for the nuclear option – marriage.

Step 9. Congratulations, you won. Savour your champagne and count the zeros that have been added to your bank account(s).

One day, he will wake up and realise that he has married his own mother. He will suffer a mid-life crisis. He might buy a whole fleet of Lambos. He might come to resent you, but it will be too late by then. You will stay together for the kids and he will never leave because leaving would make his entire life a sad lie.

Step 10. Buy yourself a helicopter.